To the husband dealing with the depressed wife

          I know you see me. I know I am not myself. Some days I feel on top of the world, all smiles and happy-go-lucky. Other days I can't even get out of bed. I see you hurt for me. I know you feel so helpless. But please believe your existence alone helps to pull me through. 
          It's a long, tiresome road. You come in from working a 10 hour shift in the heat to a dirty house, wild kids, and a wife who barely wants to speak. Dinner isn't made. Moods are very low. And I see you hurt. Honestly, it kills me inside. I wish you could understand. I want to be the happy wife. I want to be that girl that wakes up in the morning and climbs out of bed ready to face the world with a smile! But I'm not. Some days, I can't even be bothered to wash my hair. 
          I hope you know this isn't your fault. This battle I fight every day is bigger than you. It's bigger than us. I can go days, sometimes weeks, without a dark cloud passing my mind. But, when it does hit me, it's a storm I have no control over. The waves of emotion pass over me. It feels like there is no end in sight. 
          I hope you know, even when I don't say it, you help. What more can you do for someone who honestly doesn't want to be alone but also can't stand the sight of people? I feel your love for me. I feel our kid's love for me. But deep down, I feel sub-par. I don't feel like I'm being the best mother I can be. And there are days when I feel like you yourself would be better without me. 
          Please reassure me on these days that isn't true. Please help me understand that I am a good woman. I'm a good mother. I AM good enough. And for the love of God, please make me wash my hair! I will fight with you. I will tell you I don't have the energy to move. Please make me. Go start my shower and force me into the bathroom and MAKE ME! I will love you for it in the end.
          Monsters are real. They are evil and mean. They take hold of something and claim it for their own and they will fight to the death if they really want it. And sometimes, those monsters live inside of us. My heart belongs to you but, my mind belongs to the monsters. Thank you for not forcing me to fight this battle alone. Please, don't give up on me.

-Chaos
          

Maybe it is okay to break.

This has been a very trying week for me. It's been hurt, discomfort, stress; but most of all, this week has been torture. I've been living with a monster for years. I unwillingly welcomed this monster when I was 12 years old. I have battled demons of my own since then. This monster always seems to win. I experienced something that no person should ever deal with and it has completely messed me up inside. I've pushed it deep inside my sub conscience and forced a smile on my face. I've lied to friends and family. I've lied to myself. I've told the innocent "I'm fine" lie until I almost believed it with my own ears. Silent tears have fell when I've locked myself away. Dim smiles have been forced to my lips for years and years. But this week.. This week has been torment. Toward the beginning of the week, or maybe the end of last week, I got the phone call that my cousin whom I grew up with, shared my childhood memories with, and also haven't seen since my grandfather's funeral more than 6 years ago, lost his battle to his monsters. He committed suicide. That alone hurt me. I hurt for his wife. I hurt for his 3 beautiful little boys. I hurt for my family.. I hurt for myself. And then I got a message saying that a friend that I have known for 20 years died. He was more like family. He got me through a very rough, very hard time in my life. He was the world to his only brother and his parents. I know the pain of losing a sibling, and this has only brought back waves of emotion from losing my own brother almost 2 years ago.  To top off this very hurt-filled and exhausting week, I get a phone call that no one ever wants to get. After losing my brother 2 years ago, I am now faced with my brother in law, my sisters husband and the absolute love of her life, having cancer in his bones after fighting kidney cancer for over a year. My brother in law and I are not close, but knowing that my sister is going through hell and hurt, kills me a little inside. I haven't given my sister a chance to be close to me in years. I've pushed everyone away in hopes of bettering myself, just to end up alone and cold. I believe it's safe to say I'm done for the week. I've spent the last 9 months of my life pretending to be strong and doing everything in my power to keep my head above the water. I've had my friends to hold me up and my husband's comfort. But, in the long run, I'm so tired. Depression is bitch. And she doesn't play fair. So, this is me, kicking and screaming, trying to find a float in this wave pull of bullshit we call life....

Chaos.