This has been a very trying week for me. It's been hurt, discomfort, stress; but most of all, this week has been torture. I've been living with a monster for years. I unwillingly welcomed this monster when I was 12 years old. I have battled demons of my own since then. This monster always seems to win. I experienced something that no person should ever deal with and it has completely messed me up inside. I've pushed it deep inside my sub conscience and forced a smile on my face. I've lied to friends and family. I've lied to myself. I've told the innocent "I'm fine" lie until I almost believed it with my own ears. Silent tears have fell when I've locked myself away. Dim smiles have been forced to my lips for years and years. But this week.. This week has been torment. Toward the beginning of the week, or maybe the end of last week, I got the phone call that my cousin whom I grew up with, shared my childhood memories with, and also haven't seen since my grandfather's funeral more than 6 years ago, lost his battle to his monsters. He committed suicide. That alone hurt me. I hurt for his wife. I hurt for his 3 beautiful little boys. I hurt for my family.. I hurt for myself. And then I got a message saying that a friend that I have known for 20 years died. He was more like family. He got me through a very rough, very hard time in my life. He was the world to his only brother and his parents. I know the pain of losing a sibling, and this has only brought back waves of emotion from losing my own brother almost 2 years ago. To top off this very hurt-filled and exhausting week, I get a phone call that no one ever wants to get. After losing my brother 2 years ago, I am now faced with my brother in law, my sisters husband and the absolute love of her life, having cancer in his bones after fighting kidney cancer for over a year. My brother in law and I are not close, but knowing that my sister is going through hell and hurt, kills me a little inside. I haven't given my sister a chance to be close to me in years. I've pushed everyone away in hopes of bettering myself, just to end up alone and cold. I believe it's safe to say I'm done for the week. I've spent the last 9 months of my life pretending to be strong and doing everything in my power to keep my head above the water. I've had my friends to hold me up and my husband's comfort. But, in the long run, I'm so tired. Depression is bitch. And she doesn't play fair. So, this is me, kicking and screaming, trying to find a float in this wave pull of bullshit we call life....
Chaos.
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